Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
