a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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