i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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