I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
