i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
