On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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