Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
