you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
