I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
