I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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