You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Girls should come with a carfax report
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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