It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
