just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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