I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dicks are not precious.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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