Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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