Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
