Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
