I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am midnight drunk by noon
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
