Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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