he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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