we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
