If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
