Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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