I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
