I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He uses pillows to masturbate.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
