u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
