He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
