I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
