is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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