When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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