I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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