Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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