My Higher Power is John Stamos
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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