Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
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I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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