I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
