I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
