im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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