Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i believe in u and ur pee
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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