I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult