I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose