My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
