her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
