everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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