my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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