did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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