do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
