...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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