A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
