Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
