I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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