I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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