Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Randomize
