If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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