My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Randomize
