I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
