i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Randomize
