Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
